Filed under Too Much Time?

It’s a sad day…

The Big Bull has met its maker. Alas, those giant swinging testicles may swing no more…

The Big Bull has held a special place in my heart since the Primary school excursion into its fibreglass interior. The bull, irrespective of the weather, would stand like a beacon to guide our way to Wauchope (pronounced – SHIT-HOLE) for whatever reason dragged us there – be it soccer, netball, golf or spot-the-bogan day.

So, RIP Big Bull, we’ll see you in that big abattoir in the sky…

bigbull.jpg

It’s the principle…

Warren Buffet made his first steps towards fortune by being stingey…very stingey. He also had a predilection (which he maintains to this day) for soft drink.

These two elements also happen to make up the gist of this story.

Following the consumption of a chicken pie, and with a particular hankering for fizzy drink, I set off to the vending machine. Vending machine VA13071 to be precise. A would-be patron was having issues in front of me and so I should’ve known something was amiss, yet I strolled up and attempted to make with my goods – much like my previous depiction of the vending machine/human interaction. All seemed well at first, the machine taking my two dollars, only to refuse any additional coinage past this initial offering. Realising the refund button was stuck fast, I flicked it clear and assumed I had taken a right turn off Struggle Street into Booyah Boulevard.

Alas, the initial 2 dollar sum disappeared from all calculations and displays. I had suddenly lost the tenuous connection of ownership over the coin, being out of sight and reach as it was. In actions increasingly more befitting of some lower creature (read chimp), I repeatedly cursed and struck the refund button. All to no avail.

Pissed, I put in the next 2 dollars that would secure me my fix; afterall, I had to have just rewards for the fruits of my labour, journeying all of 6 flights from office to the notorious VA13071.

Phone number and vending ID obtained and locked in a mental vault protected by a high-tech system of bitterness, I set off to ring the Multinational Corporation that was robbing the poor (me) to pay the campaign costs of wannabe fat cats in Washington (albeit somewhat indirectly).

2m 53s later, I was locked in, recorded for all eternity in a row of an ever growing database of whingers, scammers and tight-arses who have sparred with modernity and lost; a potential black-listee for future complaints regarding this bohemeth of all things fizzy and sweet.

However, as I stated to the lovely lady who assisted me with my enquiry, it’s about the principle of the matter. Nevermind the fact I used the company phone to call a 13- number or indulged myself in a few ‘work’ minutes to scribe this fustian diatribe…

Update – Skill machine or Vending Machine? The end result’s the same.

You think I would’ve learnt. But no! Less than 24 hours after concluding the episode above, another vending machine within cooee of my office had stolen my money. Well acquainted with protocol, I was on the phone quicker than a drug-free Marion Jones could run a hundred. So checking the post next week will be fun, with no less than two cheques arriving at my abode containing $5 of my own hard earnt shrapnel. Blacklist, here I come…

Ah, Nostalgia…

So, part of my honours has me going and digging out Media Releases from a certain Lobby Group to analyse qualitatively for signs of change in rhetoric. Unfortunately, some of the old links are broken and thus I had to try novel ways of finding the data…

Which brought me to the Internet Archive Wayback Machine, a site that lets you access old archived versions of websites from 1996 onwards. This thing is pretty neat and lets you get an idea of the changing face of the web over the last decade. Again, unfortunately, the documents I was chasing were not to be found; however, I did (partly out of vanity’s sake) check to see whether my blog had archived versions… Sure enough, there it was, sitting pretty in archived form from 2003 onwards. Which led me to (re)discover the original intro I put up for the site… one that still makes me smile when I see it. I think I might even bring it back with a few modifications such is my pride in my first piece of motion-art…

So here it is, in all it’s glory – Katzenjammer Intro Reborn 😉

The Spray

On rides to work I pass the way,
where many leathered feet do splay.
But the owners of those shoes are not
The target of this mottled sot.

This winged thing of tar and white
One moment gone and next in sight
As swoop and pass he makes above
Brimmed with hatred and with love

The mere thought of it would have me flinch
How near he swoops but few an inch
From the helmet worn and red
That splendid sits upon my head

While blessed, naïve passers by
Turn a cheek or smile so wry
To tensest joust played out ahead
Between this sod and helmet red.

Aft more metres than I care to count
This little demon wheels about
And sits upon a pole or light
One moment there and next no sight.

Leaving me to whisk away,
Alas, I’m back before new day
And once more forced to suffer that
In the morn come I adorned with cat…

Blurbulators Gone Wild!

<rant>

The majority of Americans that I have had the pleasure to meet have been learned, polite, conscientious and generally amiable – far from the wildly simple and vulgar cretins that make their way onto Jerry Springer and the like. Is it a reflection on them or us then that a bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon Merlot destined for those shores was adorned with the following blurb?

“Just as sunny beaches and sand castles bring back memories of youthful times and joyous occasions on the beach, Vasse River makes those memories an everyday event. Like a summers’ (sic) day at the coast, warm, golden and awash with blue sky’s (sic), this wine truly evokes the essence and spirit of the coastal beauty celebrated throughout Australia. With waves of flavour and tides of texture, this memorable wine can be enjoyed by itself, or served best alongside sun, sea and surf.”

I mean, what the hell have they actually said? I know blurbs have a tendency to be boastful, wanky and overuse poetic licence, but the only thing the reader can be sure of is that it is indeed wine. Anything beyond that is left to one’s imagination. Coupled with the spelling mistakes, it makes me wonder whether they utilise a magical “Wine Bottle Blurbulator”, where gifted scribes repeatedly belch into speech-recognition software and take whatever script emerges.

Here’s an alternative:

“Just as kangaroos bring memories of postal deliveries and icky-pouch muck hopping back, Sphincter’s Marsh makes those memories an every-couple-of days event. Like an Ogres’ swollen haemorrhoids, these pustules of flavour will have you begging -nay, ovulating – for more. Like a winters’ day with testicular shrinkage aplenty, the cold caressing fingers of this delectable wonder will have you shivering with excitement. One sup of this fluid conjures up striking imagery of all things spectacular: mud soccer, an octopus eating a shark, and a jar of vegemite photographed at sunset. With tsunamis of texture and mudslides of sediment, this beverage will have you gagging until the last drop – gagging with unbridled pleasure that is. Whether you’re chowing down on gelatinous goop or settling in for a night of Bad Boy Bubby, Sphincter’s Marsh home-brewed Stout is the perfect drink for any occasion – ever.

</rant>

How excited am I?!?

Last night I decided to do a routine upgrade of WordPress, and I’m proud to say she’s humming along just fine and dandy on version 2.2 (after a few minor hiccups of course). In the process of upgrading, I decided to upload a plugin that allows me to view my stats – how many are coming, where are they coming from, what’s being read…and anyways, it’s pretty cool.

For instance, I now know that at least two people have seen my new frontpage – yay. Rhub has also referred two people – yay.

And…the creme de la creme… Someone who was researching the age-old topic of burning the roof of the mouth with pizza stumbled upon my site (link) . I can only assume that they might’ve been looking for some useful information – maybe their child or dog had been stricken by the infliction – and instead got trapped in a nice gooey web of rant

Ah the wonders of a childish mind…Now, I simply sit back and wait for the (inevitable) sponsorship dollars to start rolling in…

Or continue to write about seemingly pointless drivel that makes it’s way onto random search query result lists…Hmmm, which sounds more appealing you reckon?

Hypothetical Question No 1.

Ever wondered what certain animals would look like doing a jumpserve? I hadn’t; that is until my friend Mauly the big red beardog did one before my unbelieving eyes. Heresy I hear you say! Big red beardogs do floatserves you reckon?! Well, I present the evidence before you now…Observe the excellent tail position in frames 3 and 4…fantastic.

Mauly

Click to Enlarge

Composite pic also…

Mauly Composite

And to Galls, a well-distant relative of Mauly the big red beardog…sorry for the taking so long to get these pics out there…

Man Jailed for 3 months for distributing films over BitTorrent

A man was jailed today in Hong Kong for distributing three films over BitTorrent after his appeal was quashed. He will now have to serve 3 months in jail for uploading the movies Daredevil, Miss Congeniality and Red Planet without a licence. The defence case rested strongly on the fact that in spite of being uploaded, the films would never be wanted, downloaded or viewed by anyone.

The defendent pleaded to a packed courthouse that it was punishment enough that he would forever be known as the “guy who has actually seen Miss Congeniality and enjoyed it enough to want to share it with others”. Moreover, by later giving the films the false filenames of ‘A night in Paris vols 1, 2 and 3’, the defendent’s lawyer was adamant that his client was doing the distributors a favour by tricking people into watching at least a few minutes of undeniably arguably the worst films ever made.
In reaction to the news, a spokesperson for the Anti-viral Resilient Strategic Entity (ARSE) stated, “We’re just glad that the net is rid of that filth forever. Now that the rampant spread of Miss Congeniality (codename Congenital Syphilis) has been stopped, we can divert our attention to the less pressing issues of Trojans, Mal-ware, and those blinky-ads -that-say-you-have-won-a-prize. We dare that devil to have another crack at ARSE!”

daredevil.jpg

The defendent upon arrival at the courthouse (left) and after being deveiled and proctologically examined (r).

The defendent was also able to confirm that his BitTorrent username of “Big Crook” was an interim measure while we was waiting for the name “Bit Crooked” to free up. Other names, contained in court documents obtained by The Herald Scum, included “Congenial Devil”, “DaRed Planet” and “Shoot_me_I’m_so_sad_and_lonely”.

Sorry Guys

I have to cancel the Polly Pocket Party we had planned for next weekend… The heartbreak is almost too much to bear.

Polly Pocket

Al Gore Slams PM

Al Gore has vehemently slammed Prime Minister John Howard’s position on climate change, stating that he is living in a ‘fairy land full of pixies’.

Former almost-president Gore said “John Howard simply has no idea. The sooner he realises that cardiac workouts simply result in a commensurate increase in lung size the better. By persisting on taking morning walks in Sydney, Canberra…hell, wherever…he is exhaling more CO2 than otherwise would be the case and is thus exacerbating what already is a global challenge of intergalactic proportions.

“John Howard is a climate villain”, he continued. “I would recommend that he stay indoors, turn the lights down (to conserve energy) and settle into a nice, informative DVD. May I be so bold as to suggest ‘An Inconvenient Truth’ which is available at all climatically responsible video outlets?”

Yet whilst observing the PM during his controversial morning walk today, one could not fail to note a more forceful pant and exhalation, as if to emphasise his disgust at Mr Al’s insinuations. When queried, the Prime Minister chortled that Gore’s claims were objectionable and fancifully constructed. Moreover, the Prime Minister declared “If I followed Mister Gore’s advice and turned my lights down, the reduction in energy consumption could have dramatic flow-on effects for our thermal coal producers and the fossil-fuel based energy market upon which we rely so heavily. Deliberately impacting upon our economy in any negative way would simply be irresponsible.”

And with that, he was out of sight, resilient despite the knowledge that he may possibly exhale humanity’s final breath (and hope) in this drawn-out fight to the death (or worse!) against climate change.