In all Likelihood…

With the advent of the internet, the sharing of recipes has taken on new form and vigour. Websites such as videojug provide step-by-step video instructions on how to make your favourites, whilst a well aimed google search can reveal the how-tos for the most surprising, diverse or inauthentic fare. My friend Gally is looking to set up a website that features great recipes for hungover people and I have even previously posted a wonderful recipe on this blog.

So this evening I thought I’d share the recipe for tonight’s dinner – the most unique meal I’ve ever made and one that ‘In all likelihood’ I’ll never make again…

Toad on the Road, (A.k.a – Slop on Toast or Lazy Man’s Shag)

The basic premise for this meal was simple: use up all the leftover vegetables in the fridge that had not passed the ‘vegetable-fungus spectrum’ threshold. And try to make it edible. One additional self-imposed stricture on tonight’s cooking procedure was that it had to be bloody easy, given that nary a vegetable had been cut, peeled or otherwise reshaped by 9:30pm.

Firstly, peel, chop and cook potatoes as though you are going to make mash.
Now, place various vegetables into the food processor until they are finely chopped. Start with an onion and a carrot and then get these frying in a pan with an gallop of olive oil. ‘Process’ your zucchini and that bag of semi-dehydrated mushrooms you found adhered to the iced-over panel at the back of the fridge and add them to the mix of frying slop. By now, if you’ve done things correctly, you should have something that resembles rabbit vommit, with a similar texture and no flavour.

At this juncture, take a moment to think about how you could possibly salvage your meal… actually, save yourself the hassle… by now you should have realised that it’s going to be pretty fckuing ordinary. In a misguided attempt to add flavour, ‘process’ a handful of olives and chuck them into the mix and then clear space in the middle for the egg… I know, I know… egg?!? (Not up there licking a 9V battery but still some pretty poor decision-making nonetheless). Semi cook the egg and then stir it through the goop so you have neither scrambled eggs with vegetables nor the makings for vege patties.

Add a dollop of pasta sauce and some black pepper. Scratch your head and curse two and half times and then add a tin of lemon zest tuna for good measure.

Mash the potato and roll your eyes before chucking it into the frying pan to be mixed in with the ‘rest’. Afterall, why have a dinner plate with heavenly mash and goop in proximity… it’d be like inviting the Queen and Ziggy the bag man for high tea and biccies.

Butter some bread, add the slop atop, and garnish with cheese recently de-molded…

If you’ve made it according to plan, it should taste exactly like the sum of the ingredients (i.e. not that bad) and have the appearance of a freshly flattened toad

Best enjoyed with a nice glass of Merde de Maison…

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