New research has shown that 1 in 5 green ants suffer from depression. The revelational findings come on the back of previous research showing that green ants share 99% of their DNA with pixies and that green ants are in fact a “greeny-blue” and not a “bluey-green” as commonly perceived.
Professor of Prepostorial Studies at the James Blake University, Hugh Possumbottom has hailed the pioneering work undertaken by his team.
“Scientific research is really moving along in leaps and bounds and it’s a very exciting time for all species, be they alive or extinct. Having discovered the easy stuff like DNA and velcro, we have turned our attention to more complex matters of galactic importance, such as whether green ants suffer from the likes of substance abuse and depression”.
“People assume that just because green ants are small and robotic looking and simply waggle their antennae around like the wrists of camp drag-queens that they are not feeling beings, capable of remorse, regret and disillusionment”, continued Professor Possumbottom.
The findings, set to be published in the Japanese Journal of Scientific Whale Research, show that a growing number of green ants feel regret after biting humans for reasons that can only be deemed as unnecessary. The research emphasises the lack of interspecial competition for resources and the paucity of evidence linking humans as a food source for green ants.
“The onset of regret invariably leads to questions about the purpose of being a green ant, and one’s place in the larger ‘ants’ nest of life’. This research suggests that green ants are biting people for no reason other than spite, self-loathing and other precursors to depression. It’s a natural progression”, Professor Possumbottom asserts.
Yet, while some respondents have admitted to depression and sadness, others are simply sadists.
One respondent explained, “Bite people…hells yeah. I love that shit. This one bitch was so fat that you couldn’t tell where her swelling stopped and my swelling began. Ha… I mean, why would I bite someone on the ankle, or hide in a gardening glove? Quite simply because I hate humans and gardening’s for pussies! I would bite someone on the tongue or the nuts if I got the chance. Necessary?!? You tell me, but damn it’s fun”
Possumbottom explains “Although antagonistic comments were common among some respondents, the statistics plainly speak for themselves and highlight that depression amongst green ant populations is a deep-rooted issue of fundamental importance. Furthermore, our research suggests a strong correlation between green ant depression (GAD) and the length of Eddy Macguire’s tenure as CEO of Channel 9. That’s not to mention climate change…”.
Whilst reluctant to share his research methods, citing “imminent terrorist threats if this research fell into the wrong hands” Possumbottom is upbeat about the future. “We need to move beyond our simplistic humanomorphic [sic] view of the world and start investing in our grandchildrens’ childrens’ past. It’s vital!”.
When asked about the incredible amount of seemingly pointless, superfluous and contradictory research currently making rounds in popular media, Possumbottom replied, “Yeah that’s a good point; maybe we should undertake some research to shed some light on the matter”.
Absolutely hilarious!
Most illuminating, and exquisitely written.