<rant>

The majority of Americans that I have had the pleasure to meet have been learned, polite, conscientious and generally amiable – far from the wildly simple and vulgar cretins that make their way onto Jerry Springer and the like. Is it a reflection on them or us then that a bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon Merlot destined for those shores was adorned with the following blurb?

“Just as sunny beaches and sand castles bring back memories of youthful times and joyous occasions on the beach, Vasse River makes those memories an everyday event. Like a summers’ (sic) day at the coast, warm, golden and awash with blue sky’s (sic), this wine truly evokes the essence and spirit of the coastal beauty celebrated throughout Australia. With waves of flavour and tides of texture, this memorable wine can be enjoyed by itself, or served best alongside sun, sea and surf.”

I mean, what the hell have they actually said? I know blurbs have a tendency to be boastful, wanky and overuse poetic licence, but the only thing the reader can be sure of is that it is indeed wine. Anything beyond that is left to one’s imagination. Coupled with the spelling mistakes, it makes me wonder whether they utilise a magical “Wine Bottle Blurbulator”, where gifted scribes repeatedly belch into speech-recognition software and take whatever script emerges.

Here’s an alternative:

“Just as kangaroos bring memories of postal deliveries and icky-pouch muck hopping back, Sphincter’s Marsh makes those memories an every-couple-of days event. Like an Ogres’ swollen haemorrhoids, these pustules of flavour will have you begging -nay, ovulating – for more. Like a winters’ day with testicular shrinkage aplenty, the cold caressing fingers of this delectable wonder will have you shivering with excitement. One sup of this fluid conjures up striking imagery of all things spectacular: mud soccer, an octopus eating a shark, and a jar of vegemite photographed at sunset. With tsunamis of texture and mudslides of sediment, this beverage will have you gagging until the last drop – gagging with unbridled pleasure that is. Whether you’re chowing down on gelatinous goop or settling in for a night of Bad Boy Bubby, Sphincter’s Marsh home-brewed Stout is the perfect drink for any occasion – ever.

</rant>